Worn

I lost it last night. I don’t know what happened. I believed what I wrote in “Rest.” I believed that I was doing better and that I would find that balance, but then I lost it. 

Something that disappointed me came to mind. Unfortunately, I’ve kind of got stuck on analyzing everything. I wanted to figure out why I let myself get disappointed because I’m convinced that if I analyze every thought I can come up with a solution to every problem. It seems logical. (I’m a bit of a Vulcan that way.) But I just drive myself insane trying to fix myself.

I know I’m going to get disappointed about things; I’m human. I also know that I’m going to have bad days; I have Hashimoto’s Disease. See, I have to think everything through. I seriously don’t know how to rest anymore. 

My thoughts kind of spiraled last night. I didn’t analyze my disappointment, but I did mention it to Andrew. However, he’s protective of me so he tends to take my side. I felt that he shouldn’t take my side. It’s hard to explain…

So I started to get focused on how I was feeling, That sparked the question  “When was the last time I was consistently content?” I don’t know. 

It feels like I’ve been climbing this mountain forever. This sparked more thoughts of all the battles I’ve fought in every decade of my life. Not a good place to go. Suddenly I felt sorry for myself. Definitely not a good place to go. Then I just felt like a failure. I don’t know how to rest. I think I can pinpoint when that started to change. I believe it was after we shut our ceramics business down. I knew this. I also knew that I over compensated for it by pouring myself into my writing and study. I couldn’t focus on anything else and I have to make myself useful.

I have been doing better, but it doesn’t take much to put me in a negative place: just one disappointing thought. So I lost it and went to bed in tears. Then I wrote the poem below, prayed and went to bed. I’m exhausted both mentally and physically. We have a family thing to go to tomorrow and I really want to go, so I’m hoping and praying that we won’t miss it. 

The Cross 

Lord, I feel like such a failure

I thought I could be strong

I wanted to point the world to You

But I’ve been feeling like I’m lost

As I’ve been going through the motions 

And examining each thought

I forgot what truly matters 

How could I forget the cross? 

I’ve failed to rest in You, Lord

As I’ve been watching every wave

How could I forget Your sacrifice?

And the precious blood that saves. 

The blood that was shed upon the cross 

The act of love that set me free

The arms that always hold me tight

When I’m drifting out at sea 

So I feel like such a failure, Lord

But I know that you love me. 

Lord, I pray I won’t forget Your face 

Once again please set this sinner free. 

Tina S.W.

March 06, 2020

I bought this album years ago, and over the years this song has spoken to me, but never has it rung so true than right now. Yeah, I’m crying again… 😢

36 thoughts on “Worn

    1. Thank you. It’s a bit embraising that right after I shared that I haven’t had a meltdown this Winter I have one. Well, on the bright side that’s out of the way.

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  1. I get this completely, Tina. Been down a similar road. Appreciate your beautiful, honest words here. In such honesty, though we feel weak, we find strength in Him and each other. Sending out love, hugs, and prayers. ❤️

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      1. I replied to this comment, and it disappeared also. Is your spam set so you have to verify spam comments before Akismet trashes them? I used to have it on the strictest setting, and Akismet would trash comments from fellow bloggers. I switched it to secure instead of strict, so now I can rescue comments that they erroneously send to spam.

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      2. I’ll have to take a look, but it’s odd that it’s only deleting some of your comments. I may have to check with WordPress on this one.

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      3. I wonder if I didn’t hit post on the first one. Used to be that if I didn’t, it would still be there waiting for me later when I got back to it. Maybe my latest phone update changed that. It’s weird that it did it a second time, though.

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      4. There might have been a delay, but I don’t know. I’m so confused right now. My brain isn’t working right today.

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      5. I think I’m getting most of your messages. So I don’t know why your seeing them vanish. I do have it set to moderate comments, but you should still see it, right?

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      6. Yay! Ok, so I had originally commented that I also have a tendency to analyze things, sometimes to the point of over analyzing. One of the verses that the Lord reminds me of is 2 Corinthians 10:5 ( https://www.biblegateway.com/verse/en/2%20Corinthians%2010:5 ).
        He also reminds me that when I don’t bring it to Him for help, I am leaning on my own understanding, which is not big enough, when I should be asking Him about it and leaning on Him.

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      7. Wow….I’m having trouble doing the simplist things today. I accepted your comment then I had to try and figure out where to find it so I could reply. Thanks you. Yes, it’s funny, on my other blog my gravatar statement is that I’m learning not to lean on my own understanding. So this is definitely something that the Lord has put on my heart before. I guess He’s reminding me again. Where would we be without those reminders? Thanks for passing it on.

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  2. Oh, I can feel the despair in your words. If I can do that, think how much more Jesus hears you. I do know what it’s like though, to over analyze every single thing and thoughts just go round and round in your head … all the what ifs and buts. I do this too until my mind comes to a shutdown.
    What has helped me is to deliberately set some time aside, even if it’s only five or ten minutes, and light a candle. Sit down and rest, stare into the flame for a while and then close your eyes. You’ll still ‘see’ the flame and, often, I see the cross surrounded by light. Breathe gently and slowly, but don’t concentrate too much on your breathing – just the flame … and your breathing will slow down anyway. I love to do this. It always makes me feel calm and restful in God’s peace.
    Sorry I’m late to this post as I was out all yesterday. 💖

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    1. Right now I’m not sure how the Lord wants me to proceed. I’ve stopped over thinking. I burnt myself out with all the over thinking, which is why He is calling me to rest in Him. Staring into a flame probably isn’t for me, but I do know that Jesus will re-ignite that flame in me. Thanks so much for caring, Lesley. ❤ ❤ ❤

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      1. The same thing happened to me a couple of months ago. I felt completely exhausted and my mind went blank with all the overthinking. At first, I thought I’d had a breakdown and then realised it was more of a breakthrough. The candle flame exercise works for me in emptying my mind of thoughts and lets me live in the present for some precious moments, but everyone can find what works better for them. Rest in Jesus, PippiTina, and He will indeed re-ignite the flame in you. Just rest for now. 🙂

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  3. From my experience, anytime I am determined to make positive changes, that is when the enemy attacks. He doesn’t like us Christians to be on a good path, so he tries to take us down. It is not your fault. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Jesus is always there, by your side, through it all. Praying for you, my friend.

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    1. Thank you, Bridget. You’re so kind. Yes, the enemy sure does attack. God will use it for good. I must remember this. Thanks so much for your love and prayers. ❤

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      1. It can be difficult to remember at times that these things come from the enemy. He is very good at getting us wrapped up in our dilemmas that we lose focus. And you’re welcome for the love and prayers! ❤️

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