I lost it last night. I don’t know what happened. I believed what I wrote in “Rest.” I believed that I was doing better and that I would find that balance, but then I lost it.
Something that disappointed me came to mind. Unfortunately, I’ve kind of got stuck on analyzing everything. I wanted to figure out why I let myself get disappointed because I’m convinced that if I analyze every thought I can come up with a solution to every problem. It seems logical. (I’m a bit of a Vulcan that way.) But I just drive myself insane trying to fix myself.
I know I’m going to get disappointed about things; I’m human. I also know that I’m going to have bad days; I have Hashimoto’s Disease. See, I have to think everything through. I seriously don’t know how to rest anymore.
My thoughts kind of spiraled last night. I didn’t analyze my disappointment, but I did mention it to Andrew. However, he’s protective of me so he tends to take my side. I felt that he shouldn’t take my side. It’s hard to explain…
So I started to get focused on how I was feeling, That sparked the question “When was the last time I was consistently content?” I don’t know.
It feels like I’ve been climbing this mountain forever. This sparked more thoughts of all the battles I’ve fought in every decade of my life. Not a good place to go. Suddenly I felt sorry for myself. Definitely not a good place to go. Then I just felt like a failure. I don’t know how to rest. I think I can pinpoint when that started to change. I believe it was after we shut our ceramics business down. I knew this. I also knew that I over compensated for it by pouring myself into my writing and study. I couldn’t focus on anything else and I have to make myself useful.
I have been doing better, but it doesn’t take much to put me in a negative place: just one disappointing thought. So I lost it and went to bed in tears. Then I wrote the poem below, prayed and went to bed. I’m exhausted both mentally and physically. We have a family thing to go to tomorrow and I really want to go, so I’m hoping and praying that we won’t miss it.
Lord, I feel like such a failure
I thought I could be strong
I wanted to point the world to You
But I’ve been feeling like I’m lost
As I’ve been going through the motions
And examining each thought
I forgot what truly matters
How could I forget the cross?
I’ve failed to rest in You, Lord
As I’ve been watching every wave
How could I forget Your sacrifice?
And the precious blood that saves.
The blood that was shed upon the cross
The act of love that set me free
The arms that always hold me tight
When I’m drifting out at sea
So I feel like such a failure, Lord
But I know that you love me.
Lord, I pray I won’t forget Your face
Once again please set this sinner free.
March 06, 2020
I bought this album years ago, and over the years this song has spoken to me, but never has it rung so true than right now. Yeah, I’m crying again… 😢