Yesterday was a really bad day for me. My mood was so low as depression washed over me again. I’m still not quite back to myself.
When I’m depressed my empathy can really kick into overdrive, so I was grieving for those who are worrying. I can tell when someone is losing hope. It’s very evident in their words. Suddenly my own world was feeling really dark. Depression itself is a thief of joy, making it so easy to lose sight of hope.
I want to write in a way that’s encouraging and hopeful. I want to be a light in the dark, but given the mood I was in I couldn’t see how this was even going to be possible. This only made me feel worse.
Depression makes everything more difficult. I wasn’t just experiencing empathy. I was also experiencing some apathy. It’s difficult to find inspiration, let alone hope when apathy sinks in, and forget about praying. I had no words. (I did manage to write a poem in the morning. I’ll share this on Friday. I have something else lined up for Wednesday.)
For most of the day I couldn’t even think straight. I was trying. And to be honest, I think there was a bit of anger and frustration mixed in there as well. I know what it’s like to feel as if life’s trials will never end, but I usually have hope anyways. This isn’t optimism. It’s the belief that God will help me.
Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.Isaiah 41:10
You may not be depending on God, but He is still looking out for you. I do trust in His word. I also believe in His promises, but I needed help seeing past the fog.
I ended up agitated and tearful, voiced some things to Andrew about how I was feeling and then headed for bed. He followed me and we talked some more. I struggled to explain where my head was at, and to be honest I can’t recall everything that Andrew said to me except for the last bit when he kept telling me not to let my hope fade.
When I told him that I was at a loss for what to post today, as I felt that my words aren’t helping (or aren’t going to help), he told me not to believe that lie. I really was believing a lot of lies. Then he told me to write about not losing hope.
The truth is that none of us know what’s around the next bend. If you’re not trusting God right now, at least remember what Tom Hanks said in Castaway: who knows what the tide could bring. I don’t trust in tides. I trust in God. However, I still appreciate the sentiment behind that statement: Don’t let hope fade. This is so easy to do when you’re looking at life’s waves, but those waves can and often do bring something good with them. You just have to look at things from the right perspective.
I’ve been in a tough season. It doesn’t help that the world around me is so off kilter. I can become easily overwhelmed by other people’s thoughts and feelings, but I’m going to hold onto hope. I’m also going to cling to God’s promises because I do believe that they are trustworthy. Just because this season has been long and difficult doesn’t mean that it goes on forever. I want to believe as King David did and wait on (or trust in and rely on) God.
“I would have lost heart, unless I had believed
That I would see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait on the Lord;Psalm 27:13-14
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord!”