When Andrew was denied entry to the hospital he was sure that this would be a problem for me, so he spoke up. I didn’t want there to be any problems. I knew things had to be this way, so I said to him, “It’s Okay.”
It wasn’t okay. I was okay in that moment, but once I got in the door I started getting anxious as I approached the desk and they began asking me questions. Andrew is like my security blanket. He’s always there.
It felt like a movie scene and I was the unfortunate character who had to venture into the unknown–what felt like–alone.
Next I was ushered from waiting room to waiting room. In the first little room I was trying to hold back tears.
Then they took me to the next waiting area where my vitals were checked and more questions were asked. In the 27 hours that I was at the hospital I’m sure I had my vitals checked more times than I’ve had in my entire life. It sure felt this way.
After waiting there for a while someone else handed me a clip board and told me to go down to the left and then the right. Or was it the right and then the left? One small problem; She missed a turn. So I got lost. I have no sense of direction when I’m stressed and in an unfamiliar place.
Not knowing where I was supposed to be, I kept walking until there was someone I could ask. The lady at the desk said, “Oh, you’ll want to go back that way and turn to your left then go straight to the lady at the desk.”
There was no lady at the desk. Oh great. So I stood there for a while hoping that I was in the right place. Finally she showed up, took my clipboard and told me to take a seat in yet another waiting room.
It didn’t help that the news on the television was informing me that older people in care homes were succumbing to depression because they have no visitors. It was either bad timing or really good timing because later while I was stuck in the next room–for hours–I started to think about those poor older people.
Andrew and I don’t have cell phones. We don’t need them. We’re always together, and for years we worked from home. So it was hours before Andrew could get through on the phone. I prayed, I practiced praising God, I tried to think of songs that I could sing in my head. I paced because of the pain and boredom. I might have had a panic attack and if left too long I could have likely gone insane. That got me thinking of insane asylums. Are those people truly insane or have they been driven batty?
Earlier I had prayed that I’d get a good doctor. Not one who was old and crotchety. I wouldn’t have been able to take someone being gruff at a time like this. I was calmed and happy when my doctor was a very nice young English fellow. This made me smirk behind my mask. I needed that. Then two very bubbly young nurses came along with him to assist him.
However, later as I continued to wait I went totally batty. That nurse blamed my panic on my pacing! I was pacing because the painkillers didn’t help! She’d given me a morphine pill, but that didn’t help either and I was convinced it was a placebo. That thought at least amused me.
Something good had to come out of these anxious moments. Some great lesson or new found strength or hope, right?
As I ponder these moments all I can come up with is that I faced it. Maybe they weren’t my best moments, but I wasn’t alone, and I knew it. I remembered something Andrew said to me years ago: I’ll always be here, and if I’m not, you will always have God. I did my best to lean on Him and lean into Him. If I didn’t believe that the Lord was with me and for me I may not have even entered that building. He makes me brave. Even when the gal prepping you for surgery says, “Good luck.” Who says good luck at a time like that!? If I didn’t know God I wouldn’t have found that moment so amusing.
So maybe I wasn’t allowed visitors, but you can’t bar Jesus. People try, but He’s always there and He’ll never leave.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.”Deuteronomy 31:6
(Photo credit goes to Pixabay.com user RyanMcGuire.)