Fiction and reality collide. Faceless and so busted up inside.-Fireflight/You Decide
When I wrote the poem “Honesty” I was looking ahead with less than hopeful thoughts, I was also looking back with mixed feelings. Things definitely didn’t go as we’d imagined. Early into our married life hurdles and dashed dreams found us. Andrew’s health problems began to make themselves known. We then learned that we wouldn’t be able to have children.
Yes, this one threw me. I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life. We got a dog, but we didn’t have it long. I was an emotional wreck and I didn’t bond with this animal. I just kept ending up in tears. Failing to take care of a dog, I thought maybe I wasn’t cut out for parenthood anyways. That’s how I moved on. Now I realize that I was grieving. It seems strange to grieve something you never had.
The reality is that life doesn’t go as we plan. This is why Scripture tells us that a man plans his course, but God establishes His steps. We need His guidance. Jesus said that in this world we would have trouble, but He also said to take heart, for He has overcome the world. We have His help, even victory.
I think I’m supposed to be getting to the acceptance stage, again, so I can start to run this race with passion and determination once more. I definitely have the determination part, but it’s the passion that took a nose dive. My own health struggles haven’t helped. Our combined health issues created so many ongoing challenges and isolation. We have experienced financial difficulties for years trying to get government assistance. Thankfully, we’ve had help through Andrew’s loving parents. Some have it so much worse, going deep into debt because they don’t have that help. So God has truly helped us and blessed us.
Losing a couple of close friends and letting go of our business meant more loss, and further isolation during this pandemic has definitely been felt. However, my passion is still there. That flame just needs more fuel.
When I started writing this I was really wrestling with everything. I was feeling quite weary of it too. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit keeps reminding me of all that I need to know and comforts me when I begin to get discouraged. For example, as I stood in the kitchen one morning feeling beat, my discouraged thought (this is impossible) was quickly corrected with the words that went through my head: Nothing is impossible for God.
There have definitly been days when fiction has seemed better than reality. That’s so sad. I don’t like these last words.
I may not have a clear vision of the days, weeks, months, or years still ahead, but it’s God who guides. He is the path, and Scripture is the light to our path. It also guards our hearts from the forces of evil in this world. We won’t be defeated or overcome. What has died in us can rise again, aknew, like a Phoenix from the ashes.
I’ve been wrestling, but God is still so good. He does provide everything we need to maintain buoyancy and journey ahead, including the much appreciated love and support of dear friends. It’s one of the wonderful ways He gives us strength to continue chasing after His heart.
“Face to face with my future. It’s time to make a choice. It’s the moment of truth. The moment of truth. Am I gonna keep chasing all these broken dreams or am I gonna chase You?”Matthew Parker/All I’m After
My soul clings to You; Your right hand upholds me.Psalm 63:8
(Photo credit goes to Pixabay.com user fredrikwandem.)