I wrote this poem below back in October. I thought that I had deleted it as I felt that it was too depressing. I’m generally a positive person, but I do have my struggles, and I can hide how I’ve been feeling.
When I reconnected with the friend that I mentioned in “Peace Talks” I sent him a break down of why I was feeling so alienated. There were more reasons than I realized. It’s no wonder I was feeling so overwhelmed and lonely. Keeping all of that to yourself is lonely in itself.
Reading through this poem again, it isn’t as depressing as I recalled it to be. (With the right perspective it’s even positive.) I was just pouring out my heart to God. The Psalmists did this too. They shared all of their sorrows with Him, but like myself they also decided to trust Him and praise Him, ending their laments on a positive note.
There really are so many reasons why I can feel so alienated: non existent relationships with people I should have close ties with; not sharing the same thoughts and heart as others; not connecting easily with people; not getting out of the house enough; not having people in enough; feeling like an alien in this crazy world; cutting ties with people I don’t want to cut ties with; feeling stuck by circumstances; not hearing from friends; feeling like I’m the one who always has to pursue relationships, and then not having that effort reciprocated; fatigue; seasonal depression; health issues that can keep us homebound; not being able to be all of me; and the list can go on.
Though I can feel this way, I’ve been reminded more than once lately that feelings can’t always be trusted. Looking at my list, I know that my efforts to pursue relationships are reciprocated, not always, but they are. I’m very thankful for those who do include me and give me a chance to know them. They have no idea how much that blesses my heart.
All relationships take work. A relationship with God is no exception. I’d say it’s even the most challenging, but it’s been the most rewarding as well. Our thoughts aren’t His thoughts, and our ways aren’t His ways. This is a very good thing!
It takes a journey of faith to get to know Him. This means pursuing Jesus, too. Thankfully this relationship goes both ways. He isn’t silent, and He accepts us as we are when we come to Him with an honest heart. Yes, there’s work to be done in us. This always means change, but it’s so worth it to know Him.
Do you need more proof that He isn’t silent? Just yesturday I recieved this verse through reading a sister in Christ’s blog:
“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.Ephesians 2:13
I needed this reminder too. When you feel as if there’s a great chasm between you and certain people, and this world leaves you feeling so far from home, Jesus knows your heart and what you need. We’re reminded that God not only isn’t distant, but that He draws us close to Him. We can push Him away though. Even then He’ll keep working to pull us to Him. That’s the never ending, unfailing love of God. ❤
It feels like desolation
I know that You’re near
But I don’t know what to say
All these emotions
And worldly notions
I’m in a world of my own
And I feel so far away
I know this is best
You don’t have to convince me
I wouldn’t trade You for anything!
Please tell this to my head
Please seal it on my heart
For my wings have lost the wind
And my head has missed the mark
I won’t stay here long
I know You too well
On wings like eagles I’ll soar again
You won’t leave me idle
There’s too much to say
It’s okay… if for now
I’m feeling so far away.
October 18, 2019
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.Isaiah 40:29-31
“If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”Hebrews 11:15-16